Dear Diary: Can Hormones Have This Much Of An Impact?
Today I learnt something about myself that I've been searching the answer for, for many years. Being this open makes me incredibly vulnerable but also empowering to know I now can cast some control and improve my life for the better.
About two and a half years ago my husband showed me an article about PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and asked me to consider that I may be experiencing the symptoms and if it were this reason our relationship was so volatile. I read some articles and published papers and while I could identify with a lot of the symptoms, I didn't blame that on the volatility of the relationship. I saw my mood changes throughout the month to be a reaction to the relationship, and on the occasions, I was argumentative, stubborn, emotionally unstable and 'sulky', I thought I was just thin on patience and seeing the real version of the relationship. The rest of the month I was so focused on being the bread winner, a good mum, running the house, dogs, and coping with a controlling husband, I didn’t have room in my life for being negative, I had to stay positive in order to keep going. I was non stop on the go all the time, and in a way I was happy but on the days I wasn’t, I was angry and I felt every bit of pain I was shutting off.
A few months after we discussed PMDD, my husband took his life at home. For the months to follow my emotions took a huge range and with no pattern, there was no real way of knowing what was going on, but I felt consumed by grief and liberation. It is not relevant to my self discovery today why I felt liberated, so I will focus solely on the grief emotion I felt. I showed a huge amount of self respect and strength after his death and I must say I was proud of myself. It was the first time I'd ever felt proud of something I had done, so it carried weight with it. I was focused on not letting myself be taken over by grief and stayed as busy as I could in the first few months. I was very busy actually and even when I decided to step away from work, I had lots of things I could fill my time with. I found evenings the hardest, with little distraction around, my thoughts would wander and grief would find me! After things settled about 3 months later, I stopped crying weekly and found I would have 1 day a month of just uncontrollable sadness. I would wake up crying, feeling completely consumed by such a low feeling. I really felt like my heart was breaking and I would experience chest pains. One month it lasted 2 days and a friend called an ambulance as I thought I was having a heart attack. The pain was crushing and like nothing I had ever felt before. The next day I wake up feeling amazing. 'Cleansed' I would call it. Jump out of bed and go back to feeling like 'me' again. I’ve often pictured the emotions as ying and yang.
This continued for several months and I became aware of the pattern. I'd brace myself for the day knowing I was going to feel the depths of despair. I hated the feeling and the memories. I was ripped back to the trauma of the day he died and would have flashbacks and feel pain for the impact it had on others. While I felt I could exercise no control over my mood, emotions and thoughts during this time, the impact it was having on me and others was something I felt I could control so I set to work to try and figure out how I could get control.
After months of carrying the weight of the suicide, I was beginning to get angry with myself for the impact it was having to my life. I was becoming consumed by the sadness and bouncing back the next day wasn't quite as bouncy as it used to be. I was getting sad at being sad! It sounds a bit silly but because I never felt connected to the grief I was feeling and most definitely didn't want to feel that way, I was frustrated for feeling that way. It was having an impact on people I loved and I couldn't forgive myself.
Then one month it changed. I didn't feel the low depths of pain, instead I felt angry. So incredibly angry. The rage would rush over me at various times of the day, as if I had little to no patience with anyone. This was a stark contrast to my usual happy, positive mood that was piecing together a new, emotionally healthier self. I was enjoying my life and while I recognised trauma had played an impact on my brain mechanics, I was grounding myself in the belief I was going to be OK and had a great future ahead of me. I believed and still do that I am incredibly lucky for everything I have in my life and love all aspects of it. I can feel my heart glow for my boyfriend and I'm experiencing a love I've never experienced before. I've never felt this way and it's truly wonderful. To feel completely calm with someone and look to the future and for the first time ever, be with someone you want to have in your future. I've never imagined a future with someone before as I've never wanted them in it, but with him I do. I know I can live without him but I don't want to. It's overwhelming to feel that love that seems to be eternal. Most of the time I'm very happy, laughing, singing, dancing, thoughtful and active. I get a lot done during my 'normal' days and I'm always reminded of the potential I have inside me.
But then it hits. As I open my eyes, like a spade to the face, it slams in when it's most unwanted. Head still on the pillow, my body rushes with a low sinking feeling. My body feels heavy, my eyes struggle to stay open and my brain feels foggy. It's like having a hangover and mostly, always presumed to be one. I slowly get out of bed and make my way through my morning routine. I'm irritable and snappy. There's usually an argument before 9am with someone or I've burst into tears. Desperate to find a reason why I'm annoyed, my internal monologue picks some mild irritation and blows it up to a full blown argument. It replays over and over in my head and the more thought it gets, the momentum it gathers. The anger intensifies, the sadness deepens and I'm accelerating towards a completely irrational breakdown in the mindset I'm perfectly within my rights to have my feelings considered. It's selfish and totally self absorbed. The lows have been intensifying and the intrusive thoughts are growing louder. It lasts for two days, and then I'm fine. I wake up and I feel great. Feel happy, feel ready and spring into action. That's if I haven't done damage to my relationship.
The impact this has on those around me and the ones I love is becoming unforgiveable. I always feel so incredibly sorry and deeply ashamed at my behaviour because it's so far removed from how I normally feel. It's the complete polar opposite of how I usually think, feel, act and morally stand by which scares me more than anything. For 1-2 days I can act, think and feel emotionally, mentally and physically different to how I normally do and yet still have a level understanding of who I am. It scares me because up until today I haven't truly understood what was going on and why.
About 3 months ago I remembered PMDD and decided to look it up and continue my research. To be sure, for the past 3 months I've been conscious about my mood and wanted to record how I felt and at what point I realised I was acting and thinking differently to how I normally do. At first it was after an argument that I reflected as to the cause and noticed the mood shift first, a pattern I could trace back for months. Then I noticed at the time, feeling the physical and mental change I was experiencing and knowing the problems it had caused all the months before, I wanted to work out how best to avoid the damage. It would appear its inevitable because the energy I give off, and the atmosphere I create, is so big it can be felt without saying anything.
This month I toyed with the idea of just being honest, using the power of trust and communication to explain how I felt and why I felt them. I knew it would give a level of understanding and being open gives the other person a chance to prepare themselves for my irrational thoughts. A rational version of myself knows that my partner is fully supportive of me and would even help me through it if I was open and communicated how I felt. We both agree communication is key and yet when it comes to the moment, my irrational mental state overrides everything, and stops me. It's as if I'm trying to self destruct and the polar opposite version of me is trying to escape. The low feeling that washes over me is as if a weight has been tied around my heart and gut and drops at any moment someone says something. It doesn’t matter what it is that they’re saying, it feels like a blow because I react as if I’m being told bad news constantly. Combining this with intrusive thoughts, I spend the day believing I am worthless, problematic, sad and that my life is wasted. My intrusive thoughts tell me my daughter is better off living with her father, and if I were to walk away everyone would be happy. I come out of it feeling like a very shitty parent, in part because I’ve had the thoughts and scarily in the moment agreed with them, but because it casts doubt over myself and my mind. At times the intrusive thoughts have tried to pull a rational argument how everyone would be better if I disappeared and how no one likes me. I recognise these are very dark thoughts and while my ‘normal’ self doesn’t feel this way, it does have an impact with my self confidence which is currently knocked.
My menstrual cycle runs my life and no matter what I do to avoid it or apply damage control, it always succeeds. It is a living nightmare because once it passes, I’m left with the heavy weight of knowing I have caused hurt on the one person I love. There’s only so many times one can say sorry without the words feeling empty and pointless. Damage has been done, words said that can’t be taken back and what was building up to be a strong, beautiful partnership, is temporarily broken along with the trust we hold in each other. Yet he still remains by my side, patiently waiting for me to emerge from my ‘mood’ but disappointed it’s ruined the plans we had made. I too come out of it feeling like the time was wasted, the arguments pointless, and yet still bracing myself for the next time it’s going to happen. I don’t want there to be a next time. I’m tired of this cycle and tired of feeling so sad and angry.
I want my boyfriend to know how deeply sorry I am for the impact I have on him and our relationship, and while we have established, I cannot stop the emotions, together I hope we can find a way forward to minimise damage. It pains me to know I have hurt him. It intensifies my emotions and my anger at myself then kicks in and makes things worse. All of this because my body has a change in hormones that’s been happening since I was 12 and yet it takes me by surprise every single month.
