Dear Diary: Is It Wrong To Want Control Over Your Own Life?

This is my first blog in a while due to a brain block I've had for the past year. Thank you Covid-19, you've been most helpful in my journey, please, come and mess it up some more!!

After touching on the subject with a friend and a few things happening in my life that has brought up endless amounts of issues, I've decided my diary is the best place to thrash out my thoughts and get some sort of understanding as to what is going on. This could all be a blip in which case I am relieved but I fear some of my behaviours have always been there, they're just currently amplified given the current status of the world.

I am a control freak. I have to have control of my surroundings, my thoughts and my future at any given point. If I feel like I am not in full control, then I panic, over think and try to claw back control.... the results are not always as I expect and not always positive. I was lucky to meet someone last summer, and while we were both aware it was early days for me, we agreed we would take things slow, have fun and see what happened. In my eyes, it was perfect. We both respected each other and we were both so sure of who we were as a person which made it easier to allow each other time and space when needed. Roll on lockdown 3, he was almost homeless, we enjoyed each other's company so decided on sharing my space (house) for a few months until the lockdown had passed or things were easier for him to find somewhere to live. On paper this was great. The reality was not.

Either due to the strains of the lockdown, daily grind of work, or my inability to share my space, I felt trapped and lost. I lost sight of who I was as a person and conflicted in my thoughts and feelings. From the moment we met, we both wanted the same thing: two independent people, each with their own lives, passions and aspirations, coming together for shared moments and building a foundation. Never marrying, maybe never living together, no children but unquestionable love for each other. It was perfect. He gave me space when I needed it, as I did for him. When he moved in, it changed. I reverted back to this unhealthy, abusive thought patterns that had been instilled in me over the 5 years I was with Kurt. That I had to conform to certain ways in order to make that person happy. Chris never asked me to be that person, never expected anything from me and only ever wanted each of us to be our own person. I realised, too late, I was not ready for a relationship. I will not be ready for a very long time because I am unable to let go of control of my 'space'. The relationship we had agreed on at the beginning was perfect and something I was ready for but moving in and seeing each other everyday was a step in the wrong direction. We were not ready and blindly thought we would be. What made us so perfect in the beginning was actually our downfall.

It was the weekend he was moving out and had found his own place. I was so happy for him. I knew he loved me, I knew I had been considered in all of his decisions but at this point I was so insecure and vulnerable I couldn't see it. He doesn't express himself in the same way I do, and when we met, I was attracted to that. Through my own doing I had allowed my insecurities to take over me and the emotional abuse Kurt had placed on me was the cycle I then found myself in, only this time I was the abuser. In my desperate attempt to claw back control of my life I was hurting another person. My emotions were hit and miss everyday, I couldn't think clearly, I had no concept of reality and I felt completely out of my depth, just from sharing my house with someone. In order to take back control I ended the relationship. Just when things would turn a corner, I opted out and drove myself mad. The biggest vulnerability I have is this fear that when someone close to me doesn't communicate I think the worse has happened. Either they're dead, they don't love me, they are ignoring me or they are deliberately trying to hurt me. That weekend he was busy, rightly so, so communication was limited and I went into a spiral. I also struggled to voice this. If I had, he may have understood and things would have been better. I was too proud to admit the truth and put my hands up to my vulnerable self and show this. Fight or flight instincts kicked in and I decided to fly.

A month or so later, having had time to reflect I've realised the error in my ways and how it wasn't him that I was angry with, it was myself. The pandemic has stripped us of all outside interactions. Our social interactions that as humans, we craved, were gone. I need to be busy and have structure to my life and the pandemic stripped it all away. I was blinded and I ended up blaming him rather than accepting the impact of the pandemic on both of us. There was a time I would have seen this. I would have considered his feelings and paused for a moment and been patient. I can't seem to be that person at the moment.

The last lockdown has effected everyone I know and not in a positive way. I felt selfish complaining to my friends when I knew they were struggling too. I kept everything to myself and would spend hours mulling over things. The more attention I gave it, the strong the insecurities grew and the more out of control I felt. I was a prisoner in my own head. I still am. When Kurt died I had immediate closure. There was no possibility of an argument or rekindling our marriage and I accepted it as soon as I found him. Chris is alive and so there is the possibility of the future and it hurts to admit that I messed it up because of my need to have control over everything. I've even gone so far as to expect him to help me through this, in a selfish unjust manner when he can't when I know he is hurting too.

I can start the day feeling determined and happy and within a few hours I'm lost and unsure. I can't seem to stop thinking things over and the more I think the more unclear things seem to be. I've been told by a few people I think too much, maybe I do but I can't change that. I know I need to find a better way of constructing my thoughts and focusing my control on other areas in order to keep it in check. I'm not a control freak in all areas of my life, but when it comes to my time, space and integrity as a person, I am very much in need of having full control. This is my coping mechanism for everything that has happened to me. Time and time again control has been taken away and the actions of others has shaped the person I am today. For better or worse, It's now a need to plan ahead so I can visualise a situation in order to help me through. Spontaneity is still there, but in a different place to where it was a few years ago. At a time when I am feeling like I am in a spiral decline and losing control of myself, being spontaneous is the last thing I need to be.

For now I need to learn how to let go in some areas, and make good in others. What, where and how are yet to be determined, I just hope I find the patience soon as I know, a lot of this is to allow time to heal. Time is my friend but at the moment I see it as my enemy.