Dear Diary: What I’ve Learnt Grieving Through Lockdown

Good morning, I trust you are OK?!

We are finally getting to the end of lockdown so I've wanted to reflect on everything I've learnt and experienced over the past few months and I guess, reflect on how far I've come. Going into lockdown I felt happy, strong, grounded and over you but I couldn't shake off the feeling that I hadn't processed it fully and something was still there. With lockdown, everything was stripped back and our raw lives exposed. Outside stress was eliminated and instead I found that any stress I felt, was a making of my own. I got so stressed with having no control of the situation and the unknown that my body just gave up and I was in a semi paralysis state for a couple of weeks. My seizures once again took hold of me and dominated my life. They limit my ability and therefore increase the demand I place on myself causing the situation to be worse. Not being in control of my body is a very frustrating and scary experience. I had worked hard to gain control of my life and now it had all gone out of the window. My motivation was low, the lack of interaction with people made me feel out of touch and isolated. As much as I liked being at home, it was also feeling like a prison. One where I couldn't escape the constant reminder that I was in fact all by myself for the first time in my life. I didn't realise how vulnerable I am when I have a seizure and the knock on impact it has as I've always been protected and assisted by another person. Going through this on my own, with no support and no access to support highlighted my vulnerability and one that I didn't like. I don't like being in a position where I am reliant upon the help from another person, so I took the huge decision to start taking medication. Well... Why didn't I do this sooner? Wow!!! Doesn't come without challenges but I am fully functioning. Once the seizures were under control I felt myself sink into pure, raw, emotionally crippling grief.

I didn't know I could feel pain in that way. My chest hurt without crying. Had it been on my left side, I would have suspected a heart attack. The pain was crushing and consuming. I spent the best part of two weeks constantly crying. I would ensure I got up every morning but as soon as I made a cup of coffee I was in tears. My face was swollen, my eyes hurt, there was tissues in every room and I felt dark. One evening I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't get comfortable or make myself feel calm. I had a bath in the hope it would add some security to the situation but it didn't. I didn't know if I should reach out to someone or who I could call. I know I have friends that would be there but I didn't want them to see me in such a way but moreso, I knew this was something I had to feel. I had to cry and feel the pain. I wanted to feel the pain. I felt human and real and it gave me reassurance that I was grieving. Like a surreal moment that by going through this agonising pain I would be a different person.

Grieving through lockdown meant I didn't have to put on a front for people and pretend I was OK as I wasn't seeing anyone. I didn't need to worry about self care, or worry about Flo as she went to her Dads. I was given time to grieve. Time that we wouldn't normally have had. Time to focus on the now and the emotional wellbeing. Time to think of you and remember you and try and find a connection to you. I found that this time has made me a better person but I am different. Before Lockdown I wanted to hide you away. Lock the door and just carry on like normal. Now we are coming out of lockdown I am embracing you and making you part of my life. I am me because of you and the impact you had on me. The good and the bad. Stronger and grounded with the journey I have had and that isn't something to shy from. I want to carry you wherever I go but not in an obvious, consuming way but a healthy balance of living and dead. You are no longer with us and it was your choice to leave us but the impact you had will never be forgotten.

After a good couple of weeks of doing nothing but cry and feel pain I woke up one day not crying. I didn't feel the heavy lump in my chest. I felt something, but it wasn't the raw agonising pain like it had been. I felt like I had finally accepted that you were gone. Possibly 7 months after you died, I finally accepted this was how it was. You were never going to walk back in through the door like I secretly hoped. Up until this point I had kept some things just the way they were so they were all still in place for 'when you returned' but after the acceptance of the truth I changed them and it helped the transition. I don't need to live in a world where your name is everywhere. Every laptop I turn on is in your name. The PC, the bills, certain accounts for the house, all in your name and every time I use them, which is almost daily, it added to the pain so it was very therapeutic to change everything over and put me in the centre of my life.

Most of the journey I had through lockdown wasn't just for the grieving for you, It was the grief for myself. I grieved for how I had lost myself over the years and somehow I had made sure that you were the centre of my life and everything I did was to ensure you were happy. This came at a huge cost to my own confidence, self awareness and my wellbeing. I was lost and had no idea who I was as a person. Supporting you and trying to have a rational relationship while you were in an irrational mindset was soul destroying and caused many internal issues for myself. My time grieving was a chance to also rectify those emotions for myself. To not be so hard on myself for allowing myself to be lost within another person. I needed to forgive myself and build from that. Understand who I was as a person and how that looks for the future me. I blamed myself for your death and I needed to stop because it was not my fault. It was a huge pill to swallow as I had dedicated so much of myself to you, that I saw it as a failure on my part and that wasn't the case. My thought process was misplaced and I needed to change it. I needed to believe in myself and trust that I did everything I could but the real loss along the way was the loss of myself.

What I have learnt going through grief during lockdown, is that I was able to grieve for you and me simultaneously. This meant that when I was ready, I emerged from lockdown being able to let go of you, and take control of me again, all without a shred of negative emotion. I didn't feel guilty like I had before lockdown. Before lockdown, I was gripped with guilt every time I did something for myself that while we were together, you wouldn't have liked. I did it, and felt great but it was always underlined with a nervous misplacement of guilt. Guilt that I was doing something behind your back and eventually there would be consequences. A simple example is cutting my hair. The arguments we would have about my hair and the impact that had on my self esteem is one I hope I never experience again. I cut my hair short as soon as I could but I was plagued with guilt. Now, post grief, I have no guilt for things I do for myself in order to make myself feel like a better version of myself: Happy!

I don't feel the same post lockdown. I don't feel as emotional as I was, but when I am emotional I know it's happening to protect me, to help me and to make me stronger. I have less fear to try new things and experience life in a different way. I feel like I am nearing the truer version of myself every day and doing so with open arms. Being able to see who I am as a person and what everything means to me, has been one of the biggest leaps throughout this period and by having more faith in myself I know I will be a much better person for it. I still have a journey but lockdown ensured I had the best start to the windy road ahead and one without you in my life. I am solely dependent on myself and I've had the nagging question for a few months now: Do I want to change that? If I am nearing the happiest I have ever been with myself for company, do I want to do anything to jeopardise that?

On that note, I'm going to leave it there. I still miss you and nothing will change that xxxx