Dear Diary: Today I Found Your Suicide Note
Well, I wasn't expecting that. I thought I had looked everywhere for some sort of message or note and hadn't found anything. Today, I was preparing for a video call with the family and while on the PC I tried again to log into your Steam account so I could hand it over to your brother. It suddenly occurred to me you may have recorded the password in Evernote and sure enough you had, along with 2 notes to me. Your thoughts and feelings about taking your own life. I don't even know where to begin. I broke down in tears and couldn't finish reading it. I did consider not making the video call and wondered how I was going to get through it knowing I had found what I had wanted at the beginning but I did it. I went on the call, I didn't mention it and I did what I do best. Laugh and pretent everything was OK.
So many questions. So many mixed emotions I can't even begin to identify what they are. I want to say I'm sorry. I want to hug you so hard you never want to leave. I wish you didn't feel that way and I wish things had been different. I can't believe you were sat, where I am now, writing those words and you couldn't say them out loud. I know what that feels like. Different context but having something on your mind and not being able to share it because it's so scary and overwhelming. Why didn't we work? Why was it the way it was?
Flo has cried for you a lot recently. She mentioned how you won't get to see her growing up and that hadn't entered my head. I've blocked out so many thought processes in order to protect myself I hadn't considered the enormity of you not being in our future. I crumbled at the thought. How much we had always joked what it would be like in the future for Flo to bring a boy home and have you greet them.... But how you won't get to do that and I know you were looking forward to it. You are missing loads in her. She thinks you're here, as much as I do. I've tried to be open and not inflict my opinions. Asked her to be rational and explained the science etc but I feel you are here. Always. Some days more than others.
The letter shocked me and I am glad I found it now, while I'm stronger and able to process it with the tools I have. I won't lie, it's caused me to go in huge circles and think that I am a bad person and I drove you to it. I then talk sense into myself and look at the facts and it doesn't matter what you say, it was inevitable and you had the thought process before you met me. I also know I gave you a reason to see tomorrow as you kept going for months. You wrote the letter 4 months before you left us... That means I gave you a reason to keep going and I will cherish that. It was hard to read. It wasn't nice to know you were in that state of mind while with me but I know there was nothing I could do. I didn't know. Not at the time. Reading the letter 6 months later gave me a chance to grieve again but in a different way. I have read it 5 times and I'm not going to read it again unless I need to.
Kurt, I'm so sorry. I love you x
