Dear Diary: Who Am I?

Who am I? Who are you? What makes us an individual? What makes us stand out from the rest? Why do we react the way we do? What sort of person am I? Why would anyone love me? Over the years I've wondered this and I did so when I met Kurt. I loved him so much and because I loved him and felt that raw, heart trembling emotion, I often wondered if he loved me, and then wondered why. I did so because I lacked confidence in myself. I didn't believe I was worthy of being loved because I didn't love myself. Back then I didn't have the confidence like I do today. I didn't have the self belief. I'm not going to lie and pretend that I am all knowing now, and full of confidence because I'm not in every single aspect of my life. For the most part I am though. I like who I am and I know that anyone who has me in their life is lucky to do so, as I am lucky to have them in my life. I have the most amazing friends and family and when shit hits the fan, they are there for me. This was shown around the time Kurt died, and the people that travelled far to be with me on the funeral was just immensely humbling. I will always be grateful for their help and support and ongoing support. I know I am very lucky.

We always need people in our corner cheering us on but we also need to be able to be our own biggest cheerleader. Why should someone be your cheerleader if you can't do it for yourself? Why should someone love you if you can't love yourself? We shouldn't look at people to fill voids in our lives that we should be able to do ourselves. We certainly shouldn't rely on the love of another to make ourselves feel whole because we never will. The love we get from another person should always be an extra. We have to understand ourselves so that we are never compromised or asked to compromise ourselves, in order to fit in with their thought of who we are for the sake of someone else's happiness. Someone may fall in love with the thought of us but not actually us, and that's not right.

Very few people actually know who they are. What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What defines you as a person? Do you hold on to the past or do you move on? By asking ourselves these questions we begin to realise who we are as a person. When we know who we are we can own our strengths and our weaknesses and accept them as a part of who we are as a person. I have many weaknesses and I have many strengths but I expect that whoever is in my life fully accepts them and never questions them. They never try and change any part of who I am to fit into their ideology of who I am. It is those people that seek to fulfill their own void with someone else.

A year ago I asked Kurt if he loved himself and he looked at me puzzled. He had no idea what I meant and pretty much dismissed the idea. He had no concept that to love yourself was perfectly healthy and actually the only way we should live. He had no awareness that the reason he felt the way he did was because he constantly craved and needed my love in order to make himself feel whole. The trouble with that is that when I did not appear to love him he felt empty. He didn't know what it was to enjoy his own company, to be with himself and to appreciate the person he was. He couldn't understand why people loved him. He pushed friendships away because he was full of self doubt that people wanted to spend time with him. He didn't see what others saw.

So who am I? Well, I am a bit scatty, a bit geeky, full of love and empathy. I have days where I enjoy doing nothing, and then days where I am overwhelmingly busy. I love to talk and I am very friendly. I remain calm in high stressful situations and then deal with the impact later. I look at a scenario and go through 100 different options all at the same time and draw a conclusion quickly. I constantly have a very active brain and I seem to try and understand everything. I am quite nosy. I am a nice person above all. I always try to treat others with respect and understanding. I try and see both sides of everything. Im fun, I love music and dancing. I can't sing but it doesn't stop me. I'm rubbish with the postbox but think of my friends and family all the time, I just don't tell them!

I have no idea how people see me, and frankly I don't care. I don't care because I know how I see me. I like who I am and I can only improve and get better as I grow as a person but for now, on my journey I can honestly say I am happy. I value who I am as a person because I enjoy my own company but I also enjoy the company of others. I can talk for hours... I've proved it! Saturday night I found myself on the phone for 7 hours to a friend and it was fantastic! We talked about so much but he also sat and listened to me. Alot!! I have a lot to say but I've realised I enjoy talking. I also enjoy not talking and I have days where I don't want to interact with anyone and that is OK.

So, ask yourself, who are you? Are you happy? Never rely on anyone to answer that question for you and make you happy. You will only be disappointed by the results and beat yourself up when that person lets you down. If you are not happy, change it. Life is too short to not be happy and we only live once. I know this is easier said than done but the hardest part is making the leap and making the decision. Everything that comes after happens as a result of the trust you have in yourself as a person and that you have made the right decision. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and the past year has proven this to me. Own your own life and don't let anyone stop you. You may surprise yourself and realise you are awesome and deserve nothing but the best in life, however you see that. The best for me is happiness. I only ask to be happy and smile everyday and no matter what, I make sure I smile everyday. I do something every single day to make me happy and I know that that is nothing less than what I deserve.