Dear Diary: Four Weeks and Four Days
Good evening Kurt.
How are you? Wow, what a few days I have had. It's been tough but I've managed and I'm coping just as well as I can be. I know you're going to be upset with me but I'm also hoping you will understand and know I am doing everything to give myself the best chance in coping without you.
On Sunday I had the incredibly heartbreaking task of giving Monty up to be rehomed. I didn't want to and he had been with me since Thursday and as much as I loved it and it was amazing having him here, I couldn't cope taking him out, with him jumping on the side, crying and barking, waiting for you to come home.... It was too much. I didn't want F to have him. That was the shittest thing to do to you and short term it served a purpose and allowed me a chance to get things sorted, but long term it was not OK. I hope you understand that. He needed someone to show him what love was every single day. He needed a you on a good day and I couldn't be you. Betty seems to be OK and I don't think she has noticed that he has gone.
Dad met me in Stoke on Trent and I handed him over to the charity DRUE who had already heard from the breeder, who already had someone lined up. He will be in his new home real soon which has helped me be at ease. I miss him and tonight it hit home how safe I have always felt at home with you and Monty here. I now don't feel safe and I don't like being here on my own, so I know I need to make some changes but I also know I'll be OK. I know I will but locking the doors is something I am doing now. Anyway, I'm glad Dad was there because as soon as I walked away I burst into tears and the raw pain I'm feeling came to the surface and my god it hurt. Dad caught me and made it all OK. We went to get something to eat before I headed back. I think I spent 2 days talking about what to do with Monty and I feel you helped me with my decision. I feel like I did the best I could as I can't cope with 2 dogs while trying to get my life in track. Betty is fine and happy when we come home. I walk her to school in the morning and again in the evening. I'm hoping for 3 walks a day plus nice days out etc.
Fireworks last night was good and we went with the Os and F. She seems to be ok with me but not right. She's going through some stuff and I'm keeping my distance so I can not be affected by it. Today Flo went back to school after half term and now has her school council badge. Oh my days, my heart melted. She was so pleased with it. We went to a friends after school and had dinner there. Kids were great but 3 kids makes a very busy household. If anything good comes from this, I'm making good friends. I'm going to make a good life for myself and I want you to be proud of me Kurt.
I sold some of your headphones today. The guy got a bargain but I wanted them gone and something less to think about. Money in my pocket to pay towards your funeral. I need to find someone to have Lola after school on Wednesday but I might ask the school tomorrow. I've not heard from your brother or your mum in a week. I'm guessing they don't want to talk to me which is fine. They've not asked about the investigation or about you. They don't seem to care how Flo and I are. I guess it shows just how important I am to them! It's fine. I don't mind and makes it easier for me to move on with my life.
I need you to tell me what to do about your car. Do I keep it? Do I sell it? Do I think about it a bit more? I want to keep it for myself. Our whole relationship is in that car. We had a lot of sex in that car. The passion, the love, the cum.... I loved you more than anything then and I know we had a love like nothing else. Pure passion and hot hotness! Lol. The way you made me feel was unreal. I was so happy. You were happy. I hope I showed you happiness and love. Even just for a moment.
I need to head to bed now. It's 2350 and I'm tired. Flo is back in our bed although she went to her bed first. That lasted an hour! She's really feeling it. So many questions and feelings she doesn't know what to do with. I'm going to have a quick look for someone she can talk to and go to bed myself.
Kurt I love you. Remember that. Although I'm getting my life on track I don't want to forget you and I would rather you were doing this with me in person but I think you're helping me. I feel calm and you made me feel calm. I know you're guiding me thank you xxx
