Dear Diary: Four Weeks Exactly
Hey Kurt
How you doin' today? It's been a really tough day for me. Yesterday was Halloween and although I felt like shite and I didn't want to leave the house I did for the sake of Flo and making sure she still got to have a good time. It was fun, I got to have a laugh and Flo enjoyed it. We went one of her friends house who also lost their Dad a few years ago, as Flo requested, and spent the evening with them playing games. I got to talk things through with their Mum who's been through what I'm going through. It's hard when reality hits and everyone knows what's happened to me but it hurts because they're not saying anything to my face, instead talking about me behind my back. You know I love gossip so I just want to know what people are saying. I was able to be open and honest with her and we did have a giggle about the dark side of death!!
I don't think your brother is talking to me. I've not heard from him this week and I get it. I think I told him that I've been through hell, which I have. Kurt please know I love you. I will never stop loving you and I have loved you since we first met. You are the one for me but you changed. You know you did and so I hope you understand now all the hurt that happened. I didn't understand and I'm sorry. I couldn't read your mind and I needed you to tell me.
So this morning, I said goodbye to Flo for the weekend. I had a crap nights sleep in the arm chair. Monty is home for the first time since you died. It's weird. Betty has finally found the courage to get on the sofa which is good but also not sure it's a good thing! Lol! He can't stay Kurt. I'm so sorry. I can't look after both of the dogs when I'm hardly able to look after myself. Monty was your dog and he is crying for you non stop. He is waiting at the top of the stairs or barking at me for you to come home.
Sorry I'm sidetracking. So, I found a phone Flo wants you to have so you can text her. It broke my heart. She had wrapped up an old iPhone in tissue and wrote "To Kurt. Please call me, Love Flo". She is desperate to hear from you. She is hoping you will be home soon or will be able to communicate and it will never happen. That's hard. I got angry with you earlier for hurting her. I know you didn't mean to and I know you never wanted to but you did. You've fucked her up and I'm now having to pick up the pieces.
I heard a song on the radio I've not heard before but it made me think of what your message to Flo would be. Then there was a question on pop master about the proclaimers and the song from our wedding. Then I watched the new Terminator film with a friend and was all about death and funerals and losing someone... It was shit. I came out of the cinema shaking. I knew I was walking but I felt like I was just floating and going through the motions. Then, as I was driving her home it was 1443 (on a Friday) and it just brought me back to earth. A week ago I was getting ready to say goodbye to you for the last time. I wish we had longer. I wish we hadn't had the funeral because I'm not ready to say goodbye. It's not goodbye because I will see you again. One day we will be happy and I hope when that day comes I get to go to the cabin in the woods and you are there waiting for me. Please be there? Now I'm filled with anxiety you won't be. I wish you were here.
I've realised it's been 4 weeks since I've had a kiss. I'd love to kiss you right now. It always made my tummy go funny. Like it was our first kiss. I wish you knew how I felt so you could understand me. I'm sorry you didn't understand me. I like being in my living room as its my safe zone. Here, I am me. In the bedroom I am alone without you. It's hard. I've not really been in there. It's a mess and I need to sort it but I feel so lonely in there. The other day I had an orgasm to try and feel close to you and it felt nice and I pictured you but after I just felt so empty and alone. I cried so much! I wanted you and I wanted more and the reality was too hard to comprehend. My body and mind will not accept that you have gone. I can say it a hundred times, it still isn't real. I can go through the motions but it's not real.
Eventually I know I will need proper counselling but at the moment I can't have a serious conversation because I know the answers, I know what I need to do, I'm just refusing to do it. I have this weekend with myself and I want to cry and curl up. I might go to bed soon and let it happen. Bed might be a good idea. Waking up on my own is shit. I hate it. Kurt why did you leave us? Why were we not enough? Why didn't you talk to me? Why? I want to feel you. Please come to me. Let me know you're OK. Let me know that I'm OK for feeling like this and you're ok with me.
I didn't really finish my post earlier so I thought I would add some. It's 0019 and I've just made it up to bed. I have to sleep with the light on. The bed feels funny so I need to redo it tomorrow. New bedding so needs washing. My washing pile is huge again so that needs sorting.
I don't want to be on my own. I don't want this to be my life. I want you to come back to me please. Just come back. I know I'm ridiculous. I know I need to get real. I just don't want to. I've been listening to music. It was good. I don't like the quiet of bed time. I want you to grab me and hold me. This sucks. It really does suck
