Dear Diary: Three Weeks and Five Days
Good Evening Kurt
Well, I'm happy to report today has been a good day. I don't think I cried yesterday either and although I spent most of yesterday curled up in the sofa, I did get dressed and did have a bath. I also had to pick Flo up from our over talkative friend so you will understand when I say that took 3 hours!! We didn't get home until 2215. Christ! Flo had an amazing time though so I was happy. I was given time to just chill out and then a reason to leave the house.
I woke up this morning very tired and very cold. I'm still on the sofa which I know I need to stop but it's easy on the sofa. I feel safe and secure. Plus Flo is snoring in our bed! Lol. I got my butt in gear and put makeup on, got dressed, washed up, tidied the wardrobe, sorted out some of the clothes and bossed life today! Don't get me wrong I could do more but let's not get ahead of ourselves there! So, we went to Harrold and got my sick note, walked Betty around the country park, took her home, went to my client's house to catch up with them, went to my Mind Counselling session and then Yo Sushi to treat ourselves! Flo was so excited! She loved it. I feel good today. I miss the pants off you and that doesn't go but I don't feel so sad. I don't think you would want us to be sad. I know you loved me. You know I loved you. I know I won't love anyone the same and the way you made me feel when we met will always stay with me. You still made my tummy tingle when we kissed.
I won't allow myself to think about what I won't experience again. That makes me feel sad and down and I can't allow it. I won't allow myself to be absorbed with sadness because I want to celebrate your love. Celebrate our love, live life in your memory. Flo and I touch on all the things we were going to do as a family and that makes us sad so we are going to make memories and make the most out of everything because you never know when it's going to end. You never know when something will happen and take it away.
You should not have died. You should still be here. We should have tried harder. You should have got help and known how to get help. I should have tried harder. I should have done better but I didn't know how bad it was.
Kurt I love you. I miss you and I wish you were here. We are trying our best to be happy and be OK. Nearly 4 weeks on and it's starting to sink in... Xxxx
