Dear Diary: Three Weeks and Three Days

Hey Kurt.

Your funeral was on Friday and today is Monday. The days have blurred into each other but I will try and talk you through what happened.

On Friday I got the house ready. I was a bit of a mess and I spent the whole morning in a dressing gown and pair of heels. Who does that? Your Sister in Law messaged to tell me about your old dog Sia dying the day after you and I broke down in tears. I don't know where you are or what you're doing but I want to believe you're happy to be with your puppies again. If our boy is there, give him a kiss from me please. I did good getting the house ready and then got myself ready. Mum gave me a mascara that was waterproof only it wasn't as I found out during your funeral. Cheers mum!!

L drove us to the crematorium and we met everyone there. My word there were a lot of people. I tried to say hello as best as I could and thank everyone for coming. Some people I didn't know so I didn't know to thank them if that makes sense? I hope I did you proud. It was tough but not real. I don't know when it will seem real. Even now, I don't want to leave the house and I'm crying all the time but still doesn't seem real. After the funeral I came home where my family and friends joined me. It was nice and I didn't want to leave but knew I needed to. Fml I don't know how I got through the night in one piece. I don't remember much. At all. A few people turned up which was lovely and I chatted to them. Then everyone left and I convinced F to take me to a nightclub in the city to see your brother.

I don't remember arriving, I don't remember what we did, I don't remember what we talked about... Hardly anything. I was so drunk Kurt. I needed it, it was a tough day and I am happy not to drink again for a while. I haven't really left the house since Saturday. In fact I haven't.... I went for dinner at L's yesterday but that's about it. I don't want to leave. Apparently I fell asleep in the chair on Friday and mum put me on the sofa. On Saturday mum left just after 9am and that was really hard. Bam, had the funeral and then left. Dad eventually came over in no particular rush and fucked up the pizza and fucked up the coffee, and then left all the washing up! Great. Cheers Dad! Lol! I did appreciate it, just my sense of humour! I haven't washed up yet. I haven't cooked or cleaned or done anything. Well, speakers are set up in the office and 2 cupboards are sorted in kitchen. I've not posted a cheque I received yet though.

I feel drained and empty. My memory is shot, I have no sense of time and what day it is. I can't remember going to the toilet. The girls are feeding me. All I want to do is look at photos and be on the forum. The headphones are amazing though and helping in some way. I don't feel angry or guilty.

Flo was going to stay at a friends house but ended up coming home and crying her eyes out. She was so incredibly upset. I told her you were ill and didn't tell anyone. She wishes you had said something and we could have got you some help. I wish that too. I wish I had noticed the subtle signs. I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry I didn't understand. I hope one day I will be better and understand better.

I'll try and write again tomorrow. I'm tired now. I've cried a lot today. It's been really hard. I love you so much. I miss you more than you know