Dear Diary: Diving Into Dating After your Suicide

At some point of our lives, some of us find ourselves in a position of the unknown and looking at the concept of dating. At 32 years old, I could honestly say, I had never dated. Not like dating in these modern days with apps, and maybe not even back in my early twenties. I met someone, felt a connection and followed a natural route... I've basically been in a relationship for 9 years so I have never had the need to date or learn about dating. At no point has it ever entered my head as a concept of something I would ever do. But, here I am, entering the unknown and shit scared.

So, Christmas has passed, new year is looming and I am on my own for the first time in my whole entire life and I felt utterly amazing. Admittedly I felt sad but inside myself and the situation I was in, I felt happy and I felt happy about the path I was on. I was also 32, smoking hot, great personality and absolutely loved meeting people. So thought to myself, "why am I sat here on my own instead of interacting with people, that I know, I will really enjoy?". So I took the plunge and downloaded a dating app on my phone. Oh my days! I had to choose photos of myself that not only I liked, someone else may find attractive and then I was asked to write about myself. Well, I developed a complex. Who the fuck was I? Did I have any hobbies? Do I sound boring if I say I like doing nothing? What food did I like? What music did I Like? So many questions, so many answers... What do I write?

I spent some time pondering over this because let's be fair, no one wants to come across as weird and we go on these dating apps to attract someone, so we want to make ourselves sound amazing and look amazing. Which photo makes me look fun and pretty? I decided to be honest and get the elephant out of the room and declare on my profile I was a widow. I hate that word. It makes me feel old and haggard but serves a purpose! I declared I liked music and loved being outdoors and exploring the world followed by a roast dinner. I will come back to this bit as I realised later it was all complete bollocks.

After a day or so, I matched with someone and we spent hours messaging. He seemed alright. Conversation was brilliant, we talked about so many different topics and eventually met for a drink. At first, I didn't think about the enormity of the situation until I was driving to our venue and suddenly realised that for the first time in my life, I was going on a date with someone I had never met, never spoken to, in a town I had never visited and I had no plan. I had no plan if something went wrong. What if we didn't talk? What if I didn't like him? Was I being reckless and a massive twat? I needn't worry after all as we sat for 6 hours and talked about so many different subjects, and actually very intelligent and articulate and I was feeling like I was in my element. For the first time in a very long time I was able to explore the concepts of life and started to, bit by bit, learn more about who I was.

I will interject at this point and explain that my memory has been fucking shocking. Its scared me just how little I can retain information and I was getting quite concerned by it. I was having to google films to jog my memory to see if I had seen them. My life up until this point had been so engrossed by someone else I had completely forgot who I was. Talking has helped my memory and in just 2 months it's about 50% better than it was... I would say I started with 20% memory so I now have about 70%!!

Firstly, I was pleased I broke the barrier of going on my first ever date and it was alright. He was nice but I didn't fancy him at all. This made me realise a few things. Through online dating, we can talk and the conversation either flows or it doesn't. Either way, it doesn't matter because there are thousands of people out there. There are hundreds of dating apps for almost anything you can think of and I've discovered you either talk to get laid or talk for the pure enjoyment of talking. I can now tell you what my hobbies are, my passions, what I want, and where I see myself going. 2 Months ago I had no idea.

Secondly... by talking we can get a sense of what the other person is like before you meet them but mostly it's a false pretense and we only really know someone after time has passed but we can still get a sense. It's either a conversation that builds the foundations of something that could develop or the conversation that clearly outlines it's just sex between two people. I mean, if a guy sends a picture of his dick, what sort of guy is he?

Thirdly, a connection is rare. A connection in a raw, passionate, consuming way is very rare to find and I know that is exactly what I want. If I have to go on 100 first dates, with 100 people then I know I will be making amazing memories, having fun, learning new things but more importantly, not settling for anything less than that what I deserve as a person. If I never feel it again, I am content with that because I love me. I love being with me and I value who I am as a person. I am not looking for someone to make me feel whole. I am not dating because I feel like I need a man in my life, I'm dating because I want to experience it and distract away from real life.

Fourthly... My profile has been changed several times. I now use photos post Kurt because that is me and who I am now. I am honest and I am real. I don't bullshit that I like being outdoors or want to travel the world because that's not me. I also don't identify myself as a widow because that is not who I am. It is something that has happened to me and I will talk about it, but it is not my identity. I am me. I am funny, internally beautiful, weird and can talk for hours! I don't hold back on what I want to say either. If that person is offended by what I say then I move on. I would never say anything to deliberately hurt someone's feelings or cause a negative impact/reaction on their behalf. I am only ever true to myself and I would expect everyone else to be the same. If someone makes you feel less about yourself, they are not worth your time. There are millions and millions of people out there and online dating means we get the chance to meet a one in a million...

In the meantime, it's fun and at times addictive to swipe and get a match.