Dear Diary: Why Is Falling In Love So Scary?

Within a few days of knowing Kurt I knew I had feelings towards him. I couldn't stop them, nor could I identify them at first. He made me feel safe. He made me feel like I was home just by being in his presence. I allowed the feelings and emotions to develop naturally and of course they did and the result was a feeling and love I had never known before. I feel extremely lucky to have had that experience and I know it is something I want to have again because it is, in my opinion, the greatest feeling life can offer us.

As we know, I took the plunge into online dating, mainly to rediscover myself and make sense of the world around me after years of feeling like I was trapped or at least not true to myself. I didn't know what to expect or what I was going to learn but I knew it was what I needed to do and an experience I was ready for.

One day, someone commented on my profile and I had had a little drink so I didn't really look at their profile and just replied. The conversation flowed in an unexpected way and we talked very honestly for hours... Because I had had a drink, I had no filters on what I was saying and as a result was something I was not expecting. I think, had I have been in the position to make the first move, I wouldn't have done because there was nothing on his profile I was attracted to. I made a real connection with someone through messaging. We met up several times and that connection grew. I don't mean a small lustful one either... I mean a one in a million, this-person-is-me kind of connection. Never have I ever met someone and been so terrified that everything was perfect. I had this feeling with Kurt but alongside my feelings with Kurt I was also cautious and alarm bells were ringing from the beginning, I just chose to ignore them. With this person, nothing seemed to be wrong. I cannot really articulate how everything seemed perfect but when we hugged, it felt like home. Favourite food, colour, mindset, experiences, passions, music, emotions, desires and how two people physically slotted together like two perfect jigsaw pieces. The dates we shared were not normal dates and I don't wish to share because they were personal to us but it wasn't a meet in a pub or sit down dinner type of date. They were random and a mirror of our personalities. I think after the 4th date we both expressed how crazy everything seemed and how scary it was to feel like there was a connection above all connections.

What was so scary was that I wasn't on my own. He felt exactly the same as me. 2 people, feeling the same... What could possibly go wrong? Surely when that happens you go with it and grab that feeling and explore it because surely everyone is looking for love? No! Everything went so wrong and everything ended up being wrong. I felt guilty to have those feelings. Yes I was on the sites but I went on there to find myself. Just 3 months after Kurt dying I'm meeting the perfect man? No chance! I searched for flaws, searched for reasons not to like him and as I was doing that, so was he. We then, overnight, found ourselves distancing ourselves from each other, not being honest, not talking and using every possible reason we could think of to find a reason not to take a chance because what we felt was so incredibly powerful and scary we both thought it was impossible to find a true connection through a dating app... I mean, when you look at it, what are the chances you meet someone perfect by pure chance? In this day and age, being online, I would say the chances are very high. I wouldn't normally have met him. He lives 60 miles away and our paths would never have met. My circumstances are things he wasn't looking for and his circumstances were things I wasn't looking for. But despite all of that, there was something there.

So what happened? Well, we thought about it too much. We analysed it and tried to figure out what it all meant and how it would work without talking to each other. We tried to predict the future based on our past experiences and that's where it all went wrong. We now don't talk. We have put up such a huge wall to protect ourselves from feeling what we did at the beginning it has put a huge wedge between us and personally for me, made me find so many flaws in something that was virtually perfect that I have lost sight of what was there. It's like one person has become two. We did discuss it and surprisingly, through talking found that we were thinking the exact same and our expectations were exactly the same but the conversation was too late. Had we have had the conversation sooner, things would have been different. We didn't trust or believe that the connection was real because it is so incredibly rare and so consuming we got scared!

What I have learnt is that I know I can have a connection with someone that isn't Kurt. I know that there is someone out there that will love me for who I am and never ask me to change that. I also know that I will never sacrifice myself for someone else. I know what I'm looking for... I want someone I can talk to about the small things in life and share the big moments with but I don't want someone to invade my life nor do I want to invade theirs. After living with someone that needed my love in order to feel something, I feel that now, I don't want to share my space. I love my freedom at home and freedom to be with my friends and family. I love the freedom I have to be the mum I want to be and I cherish the relationship I have with Lola. I do not want that compromised. I have also learnt that my history scares the shit out of people. When I tell people my situation they freak out! I try to explain I'm OK and why I am OK but they struggle to understand and that's understandable! I won't hide it though as it's part of my life and the reason I am the person I am. Stay true to who you are.

So whoever does enter my life does so with their own life together. Their own goals and their own space but with the understanding and time to meet me for shared moments in the times I have available. I will not compromise me and my life but I also will not give up on love. It is the most amazing feeling in the whole world and anyone who is lucky enough to find it and feel it, should grab it for all its worth and accept it. I hope that the next time I feel it I'm not scared and they're not scared. Maybe it's timing, and circumstances...

Everything happens for a reason and I have learnt so much from this. Don't give up, but also don't date to find someone else. Date to find you and who you are. We can have connections with people that just cannot be explained and can blow our minds but go with the flow, don't overthink them, don't try to predict the future and if it doesn't feel right at any point then walk away... Life is too short to not have happiness as a priority and right now I can honestly say I'm happy.