Dear Diary: My Best Friend And My Husband

It's safe to say I think a lot. I talk a lot and I process/ analise pretty much everything in my life. I've focussed very heavily on the big stuff lately and successfully managed to ignore the small stuff which all needs urgent attention so I will be getting around to that tonight and trying to get a bit organised!! I feel it's easier to focus on the big things at the moment and I really want to understand who I am as a person. Why do I react the way I do? Why do I feel the way I do? Why am I OK? Am I hiding from it all?

I worked it out and I found my answer. Kurt, to me, was 2 people in one. He was my best friend and he was my husband. These two people, or versions of Kurt, were very different from each other. My best friend was funny, witty, sarcastic, caring, sensitive and the love of my life. My greatest love ever. He made me feel safe, loved, cared for, listened to and my god, he made me laugh! We would giggle for hours and the passion was just insane between us. I loved my best friend and he was everything to me.

My husband was the complete opposite. He was controlling, abusive, lying, secretive, withdrawn, overpowering, argumentative and scary. I never knew what the day was going to bring. I didn't know what argument was going to start, for what reason and how long it was going to last. I didn't know what part of my soul I had left, was going to be destroyed even more. Every aspect of my life was ruled by him. The clothes I wore, my hair colour, my hair style, what I ate, when I ate, how much I ate. My friends and the dynamic I had with them was always overshadowed. My relationships with everyone around me deteriorated and I was just a shell of my former self. My career was ruined, my future prospects and everything I tried to achieve was just squashed. I couldn't do anything without having to validate it and everything that was important to me was stripped away. This obviously happened over a period of time and when you're in that situation you're not really sure what's happening. I was being told everything was my fault, and I was the one with issues and over a period of time I believed this. I genuinely started to doubt myself and who I was. Did I not know who I was? If someone is telling you constantly that you act in a certain way, surely they're right? I mean, this was my best friend after all and maybe he knew me better than I knew myself?

This was not the case and it took a lot of heartache and raw pain for me to realise the truth. The week before our wedding I found an old phone in the desk drawer that was set to audio record, to record me on the days I was home. It managed to capture 6 hours of audio of me being at home because for some reason he didn't trust me. I hardly spoke to anyone. I was so scared to tell anyone the truth about the life I was living it became unbearable. I remember talking to him about it and again, being made to feel like I had done something wrong and I was in some way cheating on him with a friend... a female... That's how crazy it was! I left the house crying my eyes out and found somewhere safe to park up, turned off my gps and cried. I think I cried for about 3 hours. My chest hurt, my face hurt and I felt raw pain from all the crying. I didn't know what to do. I actually rang a hotline for abusive relationships because I didn't know what was happening. Was he abusive? Was he controlling? Was I imagining it and actually I was the one with all the issues? That call probably saved my sanity. Talking it through with someone put a tiny bit of me back in place. Before I was with Kurt I was a strong, independent person and I now realised I wasn't at this point of my life. I was weak, emotional, unfocused and completely withdrawn from life. It's hard to articulate what a coercive abusive relationship is but over the course of 4 years, I had been changed. Kurt projected all of his issues, lies and secrets onto me and because he was hiding so much, he thought I must have been to. The only thing I was hiding was how much I had grown to hate him.

The only thing that kept me in the relationship with him was because I was in love with my best friend, and somewhere, deep down inside my husband, that person was still there and I kept hope that one day I would see him again. The reason I am OK after Kurt took his own life was because on that day my Husband died. When I talk about it I have subconsciously, protected myself and I am very OK with losing my husband. On the day my husband died, I got 'me' back. I was finally free and not living in fear. I have spent the best part of 3 years grieving for my best friend so my journey of grief is not at 5 months. Its at 3 years and 5 months. I knew I had lost my best friend years ago and the series of events in 2019 confirmed that I had lost him but I had hope... Hope that one day I saw him again. I did. During September I had my best friend and he was amazing. I was so freaking happy, and despite everything around us falling apart I was so hopeful he was coming back to me, all I could see was hope and positivity that everything was going to be OK. I remember being excited and talking through the next chapter of our lives together. My best friend had come back and I had missed him and I still do.

When Kurt took his life I believe he had made peace with his decision which is why my husband disappeared and my best friend emerged. On the 4th October, my Husband was back and needed validation that his thoughts and feelings were warranted and needed to find justification that what he was doing was the right decision. He started an argument, as I was heading off to work and pushed every single button he knew how to, to rise a reaction from me. When I got home I already knew what I was walking into. I can't explain it, but I knew.... Just didn't know how it would look. I'm OK with what happened because my circle of abuse had finally finished. I was finally free. I was back in control of my life despite his final act being the biggest control stunt he could pull off but I don't look at it that way. My best friend freed me from my husband. My best friend loved me unconditionally and knew how unhappy I was.

I miss my best friend every day and I grieve for the loss of him but I don't grieve for my husband. I'm back as a strong independent woman who knows who she is and what she wants in her life. No longer am I trapped and conditioned to behaving and looking a certain way. I eat what I want, when I want. I see who I want, when I want and I do what I want, when I want. I have a long journey ahead to undo the years of abuse and conditioning but the progress I have made so far makes myself hugely proud and that is all I ever want. To be proud of the person I am, and not ashamed.