Dear Diary: Two Weeks and one day

October 2019. Two weeks and one day into the journey of grief.

Dear Kurt,

It's been 2 weeks and 1 day since I last spoke to you and our last conversation didn't end in 'I love you' but I want you to know that I do. I thought I'd bring you up to speed with everything that's happened lately and all the things I'd like to tell you.

Well big news, Flo was elected as the class rep for the school council yesterday. I am so proud of her for wanting to do it, and then standing at the front and doing her speech which is amazing. She is being given so much love and support at the moment you would be proud of her. Betty came home tonight. First night since we last saw you and she hasn't tried to get on the sofa but is currently sleeping with Flo in her room on the floor! I think she is protecting Flo

Today we should have been at EGX which would have been a fab day. I'd like to go next year in your honour if that's OK? I think you would like me to do that. My period has started and today I realised just how amazing you were and would hand me what I needed. Mum was talking so loud and I just needed some quiet time and chocolate. I had a curry instead, went to a friends house and cried and then came home in a better mood. In the Indian I saw the guy that did your scan at hospital who we suspect has Marfan's. So we know him from living near us. I wanted to say something to him but I didn't.

I miss you. More than I realised I could and as the days go on, it gets worse which is what I'm being told will happen. I've cried but not as much as I should have done. I stop myself from getting too upset. I'm sad when I'm on my own and I've not really had a chance of being on my own so I'm sure it will all catch up with me. I've looked at photos and it's all as if it wasn't me and you in the pictures. I want to come and see you to help me understand what's happened. I still keep thinking you'll come home soon. Home is different. Living room was changed as soon as we got back and kitchen has now been painted and looks fab. So clean! I need to paint all the wood and I'd like to get the bathroom painted tomorrow. I need to paint the bedrooms next week. Flo's room can do with a lick of paint. No idea how I'm going to do around the bed but I'm sure I'll figure it out

Oh my days, the bloody speakers! So, forgive me but it had to happen, everything has been swapped around and I tried to keep the PMC Twenty two’s downstairs but after 5 days it wasn't working and I needed something so the Audio Monitor 225s are down here and the Twenty Two’s are in the office. Tomorrow I will add another 2 speakers and get it set up properly and pop them all on the wall. I've found something in the loft but no idea what it is, plus 3 other speakers! So much shit in this house! I'm going to post a few things online to sell just to cover costs but I don't want to sell much. I like it all and it's you inside them so I am only selling the bits I didn't know about or wasn't important to you.

Your funeral is next week and I have to prepare myself for it. I can't even begin to process how I'm going to go to your funeral. I am saying goodbye to my husband. I seriously didn't think we would ever be apart. I loved you from the first time I saw you. You made me feel so safe and secure. I loved the way you smelt. My god it was good. What a journey we have had. Those first few months was something I will never experience ever again in my life nor a love like we had. The passion between us was something some people never get to experience and we had that. We had the best thing in the world and it wasn't good enough for you. I am so sorry you couldn't feel my love. I'm so sorry you didn't know how much you meant to us and how much this family was worth.

I'm going to leave this here for today but I want to say good night and I hope you're OK. I know you've been to visit and I hope you like what I've done. I love you Kurt and I miss you so much more xxxxxxx