Dear Diary: Two weeks and two days.

Two weeks and two days into the journey of grief.

Dear Kurt

Today I bought a new dress and a new coat ready for next Friday. It was hard and I nearly cried in the shop but I kept it together. I did cry in M&S though as Flo couldn't find an outfit and I was getting stressed. I just want her to look nice. She will and now has an outfit to wear but it's not what I would have liked.

I'm tired today. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted. I have to walk Betty and iron Flo's clothes. I wanted to paint the bathroom but I'm not going to now. Today has been really tough. I've wanted to talk to you loads. Show you the outfit, tell you about mums salt on the chicken but also about the dogs. Betty isn't very well, she's not sitting, constantly pacing and yelps if you touch her ears. Monty is heart broken which has made me feel so bad. I don't want to give him up. I want him here but I know I can't look after him. I can't give him what he needs and he will have an amazing life but it's shit. Betty seems OK with the change but there is something wrong.

Fuck I wish you were here. I'm about to do a test to see if I am having a miscarriage or I'm having a heavy period. I feel so drained today. I'd love to have a hug from you right now. I'm sat in my armchair not wanting to move. Mum put Flo to bed as I'm cold and tired and no energy. Also can't stop crying. Bloody hormones I say!! I have to find £2k by Wednesday and no idea how I am going to do that. I feel sick and angry at the thought of it all.

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Kurt I love you so much and I miss you. I wish you were here with me in the armchair. I have your t-shirt on which is lovely. I'm listening to Flo read to Betty. She has grown so much within herself. I know she is worried about me but she doesn't need to be. I'll speak to you tomorrow. Oohh, can you please make the speakers work for me. I'm sure I've got it all right!