Dear Diary: Two Weeks and Three Days

Hey Kurt

How ya doing? Monday today. Flo went to school OK today but said she cried a lot and took herself off to talk to the Head Teacher and wrote down some memories of you. I think the block has gone and she's allowing herself to remember our time with you and everything she loves about you. She seems to be OK when she's home. She has a book she can fill in so we're doing that with her at the moment and then I'll help her after the funeral.

Time is coming and I'll have to talk to her in the next couple of days about the funeral. I feel like you're with me somehow. I am going to take photos of your coffin as I know you would do to explain the process to her. Show her the crem and go through the whole process like you would do. I've spoke to your brother and your mum today and explained my thoughts on going to the wake. I can't go Kurt. I want to come home. This is our home. This is our life. The life I thought we loved. I thought you loved. Today I've wondered if you meant to do what you did. Maybe you wanted to sleep or get high... Maybe something went wrong.

Wow, I've just realised what grief is. I've done the research, I've talked about it, I've tried to analyse it and I didn't think I was going through it but I've realised I am. In a really fucked up way, I have the facts, I know what happened but I'm asking and doubting my own truth to find a reason that you wouldn't want to leave me. I don't understand why you wanted to. Fuck, we were so good. One minor argument that could have been resolved. We always get through them. Life is so fucking good. I'm watching Greys as I found you had downloaded it for me. Thank you. You were thinking of me. Kurt why did you leave me? I don't want to be on my own. I don't want to be without you. You make us laugh. You sort things out when I can't. I'm seeing you tomorrow. Probably just the coffin but you'll be there. I'll feel close to you one last time.

I've been thinking about the funeral today. Where I'll sit, my hair, what it'll be like, the people, what do I say, how I will feel. I know I need to start listening to the songs so they mean nothing to me. I can't break down at the funeral and be a mess. I need to stay strong. It's the only way I can get through all this. Determination and strength. Speakers are working. 4 out of 5 but I'll take that. I'll look at the other one tomorrow but I'm pleased. Mum bought be a little table for my chair today. I like my chair. I feel safe in the chair. It's placed where you last were so I'm hoping you're hugging me and knowing I'm here. Kurt I love you. I went to the car today. I know you don't want me to get rid of it but it's hard to see it. It's not just a car is it? That's our whole relationship. All the emotions just come flooding back and the memories. I promise I'll sit in the car and spend some time in there. Can you please return the log book? I need to pay for the funeral. I’m picking up the pieces and getting us through all of this.

I hope you are proud of me Kurt. I'm doing my best. I love you and I miss you xx