Dear Diary: The Day Before The Funeral
The Day Before Your Funeral
Hey Kurt. I've just realised I've not wrote to you for a couple of days. I'm sorry. I've been so tired at night.
It's Thursday, your funeral is tomorrow and I feel so sad. I didn't think I would but now it's here I am feeling all sorts of sadness. I just want to listen to music and be on my own. Mum stayed up late because she didn't know what to do and didn't want to leave me on my own but I need to have a good cry tonight ready for tomorrow. I've been looking at photos of when we met and came across the back of your head. Do you know what the back of your head looks like? My dad just messaged to ask if Flo was coming tomorrow and at that point someone spoke through the headphones and said 'of course she is'. I know you're with me.
I went to see you on Tuesday. Your poor face. I have no idea how that's happened but I'm guessing you've been in a fight wherever you are. Maybe someone playing with the dogs up there? Or you've met up with your Dad again? I'd like to imagine there is a 3 year old Kurt playing with his Dad somewhere. I also want to think there is a 38 year old Kurt waiting for me. Please? I want to see you again. Fml, it was hard to see you on Tuesday but needed to be done. You looked peaceful. You looked asleep it doesn't seem real. I still want to refuse to believe you're dead. Can't you have just gone away for a little bit? Please come back to me.
I tried to work out our age difference and you would be 30 while I was 63 if you did come back! I'm not convinced that's a good idea. Come to me as a pet, a sign, anything. I need to know you're here with me. I need to know you loved me. You still love me. I don't want tomorrow to come. I don't want to say goodbye. I can't. You can't be dead. You can't. We had a life planned. I had dreams and you were part of it. I need you. I haven't even began to process what this all means. What this means for me. I can't. I'm on my own. I don't want to be on my own. I want you here.
I don't know how Flo is going to be tomorrow. She seems OK at the moment but I know she will cry when she sees the impact. I hope the coffin is OK. I'm sorry it's not fancy. It should be comfy though. I got you wiggle room. I'm sorry I can't go to the wake. I have thought about going later on. If it's shit in the village after 7pm I'll join your brother. If I can get a lift.... That's not a bad idea. We will see what happens. I don't know if anyone is going to turn up. I'd like them to but people are funny!
Well, I think that's it for tonight. I'm angry still, I'm staying strong but I know after tomorrow will be my first night on my own with just Flo. I will enjoy going back to our bed but I know your smell will be gone. I kept asking mum to use the different pillows but she wouldn't listen. Flo likes to smell you. It's gone from your jacket. Your dressing gown might be ok. Not sure I can open the bag though. If it smells of death I won't get it out of my nose. Kurt why did you do it? Why did you think you needed to? Was it really that tough? I don't understand.
I'm going to go. I need to cry. I miss you so much. I keep wanting to tell you stuff. I have no one to tell. You were my person. I love you and I hope you know that
